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i never believed you would leave me again and yet here we are at the same crossroads. |
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i mourn the loss of my significance in your life. i admit i exaggate but it is such a saddening thing to know that my control over you(limited as it was before) has faded. under constant threat of your departure - i loosened my grip on the reins. not knowing that it would slip off my fingers and be ever distant from my grasp. it is of great import that i record this moment. as i fully resign myself to this driftwood state. |
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the pain in my heart is too great for it to be put in writing. and yet i foolishly take up the task and reconvene this asinine love and this blank space. i guess your monologue is right, men and women of opposite temperament are suited for each other. (although i would question the fit). a threat thrown my way after a dialogue of frustration and deep-seated hurts is not the right decision. why cant you just be a happy little fairy always? why does your mood shift more than that of a swing? |
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My soul is growing cold each second i am away from you. I can feel my worth, slipping between my fingers. I can only feel me, when im slipping through your fingers. Ive held on for more than 3 years..and the possibility of losing you (after reclaiming you from fiery depths countless times) once again to a situation so cleverly initiated is ... death-dealing. |
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So i was wrong? Whew the sojourn does go on... at least its better now. Ive unloaded stuff from my suticase and things feel ligther now... sometime we'll meet down the road and we'll officially be US again. Thats something id trade anything for... hope that this "distance" doesnt pull your heart too far from me... |
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The sixth day was by far the best ever. Has this sojourn ended? Maybe...then again... maybe not. This drifter shall sullenly wait for the coming of better days ... |
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I saw her today...went home together...she said some things that really hurt me - her words this afternoon was the most hurtful thing i have ever heard she made countless parinigs grief and pain. And that i shouldnt have sought her out. She said she's happy now without me and that nothing i do, will ever get her back. This has been the most hurtful experience ive ever felt.... But then she said she lied about it, that she isnt happy yet. That everything's still messed up inside her and that she's still plagued with pressure. I dont know...i think ive lost hope. something inside me has died. I can feel myself withering away...
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today i wake up with this hole in my chest and its really consuming me... havent eaten, really eaten, since wednesday. and i feel a big pain in my stomach. but i dont care...wala akong gana kumain. wala akong gana magexercise. wala akong gana makipagusap sa kahit kanino... sana mahal pa niya ako...sana balikan niya ako...umaasa talaga ako kasi naniniwala ako sa mga sinabi niya dati. que siempre te amare fijo believes it, mojo believes it, shijo believes it, and i believe it too tomorrow will be out "monthsary" its gonna be difficult not seeing her on that day. I dont get it,. i really dont... |
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I cant believe that i actually felt good last night. When i woke up today, all my fears came back...ceska says i shouldnt wait for her...she says that its my decision to wait...that she doesnt want to give me false hope...but she still says she loves me monotonous_jong: so its really that you dont love me na? ceska, i miss you so much. i miss your little smiles, i miss your big hugs, i miss kissing you... i miss the way you laugh at my stupid jokes, i miss our talks on the bus, i miss being there with you for your rants and raves, i miss going to your school and waiting for you to get out, i miss seeing you smile when you see me waiting, i miss the way you kiss my cheeks with those adorable pecks, i miss really connecting with you.... i miss your voice saying my name, i miss your crying when you say you love me, i miss everything about you. everything about US. ikaw kasi ang kaligayahan ko... pero ngayon, kung talagang kinakailangan mo - kaya kong isakripisyo ang kaligayahan ko para sa iyo. |
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Well this night has proven quite...the turnabout. i actually called her...not following the advice of countless friends but following tzaddi's advice. about being a good friend to ceska now, because that is what she needs.. i called her and i did close my trap about my love for her...and told her that ill try to be there for her now that she's pressured... things are looking up! i hope they dont get worse! |
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Perhaps this has been the hardest day ever. (ironic that it is the 3rd) i did not contace frances in any way today... because i respect her wishes...and because i dont want to cause more damage to our...relationship. this has been the first time ever that i havent texted her. i feel scared that maybe she'll think that im being mayabang or prideful in not texting her...(ceska, im not...im just giving you time - like you asked) or that she'll truly drift away now... being alone is so hurtful....oh, i almost died today. i was so caught up in my phone that a motorcycle almost hit me. but my classmate pulled me back.... to make matters worse, i saw my grandpa today after his back operation..and im so terrified at the thought of losing him too.... :( i wish i had her to talk to and to share my feelings. im so down. this has been the saddest ive ever been in my whole life....i cant even cry....the pain is so absolute. |
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Here comes the magic number again. Yesterday, i rode a trike from lan's house. Before i got into it though, maan blurted out "Jong! It's a sign!" and she pointed to the trike's number which was 003. |
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i have never cried as hard as i did today...met up with my muse. and things just went straight to hell... that last hour with her made me the epitome of sorrow. i felt lost, as i was left standing by the street - with smoke belching vehicles roaring in front of me the tears just demanded to be released. but i fought back. for an hour. went to lan's place, and upon entering his room. i broke down badly. ask him. i broke down... i had lost all control. sorry pare if i mess your room up... maan then came. and after talking to both of them i felt a little....better? .... nah. went home alone. and now the silence is so deafening. and the isolation is crushing. |
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woke up today and still is hard. she wrote an "explanation" for me but it doesnt really explain anything other than she's confused about herself. all i want to do, is go to her and smother her in the tightest embrace i could muster - tell her i love her and hope that she'll come back to me again. im not looking forward to today, this is much too difficult to get through. i hope she's thinking of me. |
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your messages have a double effect attached to them...they make me happy just by the fact that you think of me. but they wound me because i feel the distance - the bars that close you from me. i do not know how long this shall be, its only been the first day and already i am weakening. please, dear Lord, set her on her way back to me... ill wait here until she finds her way. i would wait here all my life. id spend the rest of my days praying for an end to this misery.
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here again in the depths of purgatorio. ive lost what i hold most dear... julian, you are the only one left for me to share my thoughts with. i have not the strength to pray for the end, i shall bear the weight. for as long as she is dancing. dancing to the beat of her own life. and ill mimic her steps, here in the shadows. this sojourn shall be the worst one yet. the most painful thing i have ever felt, i feel the noose tighten and lock. ill stand here, drifting in this alien atmosphere. squeezing my lungs for every scent i have of her - and enjoy the pieces i have in my shattered hands. these fragments of her and me shall forever be with in my heart.
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